The Attention Whore

…nak blog hari ni.  Baru boleh angat nafas lega sket (sikit jer) for these past two weeks.  No out-of-town duties.  Day in, day out at the office jer.  I’m really taking my time doing all my paperwork.  Berlambak giler sebab selalu sangat takde kat office.  Tapi malas dan tak larat nak buat sebab dah pening tak tau nak buat yang mana satu dulu.  Semuanya on the top-priority list.  Baik lepaskan geram nak blog.  Eheh…

I’ve just realised something…

I don’t miss Body Jam.  Or dancing.  Seriously.  Can this really be happening?  Wait…  I need to pinch myself.  Yup, still painful.

It used to be my number one passion in life.  But I don’t why recently, I no longer feel the drive and excitement of dancing, jamming and doing classes anymore.  Is it because of old age?  Nahh…  I’m not THAT old.  Honest.

I wonder what the reason could be?

I love dancing.  It’s always been my number one passion.  Not dancing as in the clubbing type, HELLOOO…  But dancing as in… dancing.  You know, the proper stuff with the right techniques and all.  Like in "So You Think You Can Dance" and "Dancing with the Stars" shows.

I’m such a stickler for details when it come to dancing.  Sometimes, over absurd details which others might not find important, but which I do.  Ask Juwita and Leo.  They can tell you about it.  I can be so irritating at times… Haih…  But guess what?  Cakap banyak, but usually, I don’t end up being THAT excellent.  An average pass is fine with me.  I just seem to enjoy making things more complicated.  Bleurgh…

Anyway…  Dancing.  Body Jam.  What happened?  I’m seriously SO not interested in doing classes anymore.  I’m even contemplating on giving up my classes, BUT I’m just scared that I’ll regret it.  So, THAT idea is on hold at the moment.

I’ve not been teaching the past two months.  Mainly because of work-related reasons, secondly because of the fasting month.  But not so long ago, it didn’t matter to me if it was fasting month or not.  I would be up and about doing classes like there was no tomorrow.  What happened?

Is it because of work?  It is just me?  Age?  Maybe age is a factor.  I get tired easily.  I’ll be less energetic doing classes.  I get tired more easily doing classes.  I’ll always feel reluctant to do classes.  I’ll always be… not in the mood.  Where has all my passion, energy and craziness gone to?

Problems in my life?  Memanglah ada, tapi takdelah sampai boleh hilang minat menari.  Love life?  Practically non-existent, so, there is no excuse about a BF getting in the way.  Work?  Maybe…  But again, takdelah sampai boleh hilang minat menari.

I know why!  I want to have children!  Yes, that’s it!  I think… But how can I have one without a husband?  I can’t have a child out of wedlock!  That would be the death of my parents!  And no, I haven’t even contemplated it.  Sheesshhh…  But then again, I don’t really like children that much.  Especially naughty and indisciplined ones.  So, maybe it’s not because of that.

Ah, well… It’s no use pondering about it.  Maybe once I start teaching again, everything will be back to normal.  I hope.

But still…  It’s weird, you know.  I never ever thought I could seriously consider to stop dancing or to stop learning how to dance.  It is even a condition I would stipulate to my future-husband-to-be (don’t know when he’ll ever turn up, if ever!).  He will have no say when it comes to my dancing.  And also my career.  Any decisions related to dancing or career would be a choice and decision that I willingly choose and not because he imposes it on me.  If he does, then he wouldn’t be my husband in the first place.  Guess that’s one reason why I’ve yet to marry. =P

So, if there was someone in my life right now and wanted me to quit dancing, this would be the right time to ask me to.  But then, it’s SO not going to happen, because I’m quite unattached at the moment.  Maybe my parents then.  But I hope they won’t.  Because I’m not entirely that certain I want to give up dancing completely.

Haih…  Me and my fickle-mindedness.

Maybe I need to take up a new passion.  Crochet, anyone? =P

I will be meeting up with my two best buddies for berbuka puasa this evening.  Looking forward to that as I haven’t met them in quite a while, especially Leo.  Met Juwita last weekend, but was not able to catch up on updates as we were there for another friend who wanted to meet up to talk.  So, we couldn’t talk about us, as it would have been rude.

So, this will be my first berbuka puasa without my parents.  I’ve been a bit of a homebody lately; always staying at home and berbuka puasa with my parents on weekdays and with the rest of the family who are around during the weekends.  People can say it’s because I’m too lazy to cook.  Well, there is some truth in that.  But mostly it’s because I just want to spend more time with my parents, and also because I dread the evening traffic during this fasting month.  And yes, my mom’s cooking will always be excellent to me but it’s not because of that reason only.  I’m not a fussy eater.  I can make do with whatever there is to eat; as long as it’s halal and worthy of eating.  It’s because I just want to be around family.

So, every weekday evenings I’m in Putrajaya with my beloved mom and dad.  And weekends will be in Batu Caves with the rest of the Shaarani clan.  It’s fun.  I’ve not been spending a lot of time with my parents previously, and I’ve never realised that I miss their company and miss being their big, baby girl. ;-)  And because of some events which occurred over these past few years, I want to make the most of the time that God is giving me with them.

Ramadhan has been great.  I think it’s one of the best so far.  At least for me, that is.  I’m spending more time with family.  The previous years it was because it wasn’t possible, geographically.  I was in Batu Caves, and my parents were in Putrajaya.  Then when I transferred to Putrajaya, I was always so preoccupied with gym, work and other stuff, I was never able to have any time for family.  And yes, I didn’t really try that hard pun.

But now, I feel that I need to balance out my life a bit.  Work will always be hectic.  There’s not much I can do about that at the moment.  So, the best is to cut down on my time at the gym and hanging out with friends till late at night.  I miss that a lot.  I miss my friends, especially Juwita and Leo, Anthony and Jenny, and all the other peeps.  But I would miss the time spent with my family even more.  So, after weighing the scales, family always comes first.

I’ve been blessed with the most perfect imperfect family ever.  Well, no family can ever be perfect, but as long as they are perfect to you, then, your family is perfect lah. ;-)  Okay, okay, so I’m rambling.  But this fasting month has opened my eyes and my heart that family is the most valuable thing you can ever own in this life.

Cherish the time you have with them, because you will never know if you’ll be able to spend the next Ramadhan and Hari Raya celebrations together again.  Insyaallah, we always pray for the well-being of our family, but there will always be this question of, what if…?

So, make the best of everything you have.  Never let it happen that one day down the road, you’ll have regrets about things you should have done and things you should have said, but that you never did.

I don’t ever want to be that person.

I love my parents, and I love my two sisters and my brother.  Only God knows how much.  Sometimes I might not be able to express it that well, or that I don’t seem to be able to express it at all; especially through words.  But I hope, and always pray, that I will always be a good daughter to my parents and a good sister to my sisters and brother.  And that they know I will always try my best.

May Allah bless our family always, insyaallah.

Selamat berpuasa and berbuka puasa to all my Muslim friends.

I talk too much.  I’ve always realised that.  I try to allow others to talk and contribute to the conversation as much as I can, but I always end up talking a LOT.

Is it true that people who talk a lot are attention seekers?  You talk to be heard, right?  You talk to an audience and you WANT them to hear what you are saying and you WANT their attention.  So, maybe that fact is somewhat true.  I’m quite an attention seeker when I want to be. =P

I get irritated by people who talk too much.  Especially the types who don’t even allow you to put in a comment or express what you want to say, especially when you really want to say something.

But then, I talk too much also.  So, does that mean I irritate others?  No need to answer that question for me.  I already know the answer to it.

Blerrgghhh…

So, is there a cure for less talking asides from stapling your lips?

Friends.

You just can’t live with them, yet you also can’t live without them.  I know I can’t.  My friends have always been around me to keep me sane.  Without them and also my family (of course!), I wouldn’t know where I would be right now.

It’s great to have friends who are solid rocks to fall back on when you need a strong hand.  It’s fun to share your laughter and tears with these people who mean a lot to you.

But we can’t always be perfect friends.  There will always be good times but then there will also be some bad times.  But the good times usually overshadow the bad. =)

As friends, sometimes, it isn’t our intention to act or be a certain way; do things as we please; say things we don’t mean; and utter words and promises; especially if they end hurting someone else’s feelings.

You may say that it’s not fair for others to judge you that way or label you a certain way.  However, no matter how you deny it, even though you say you are not that kind or person and you never meant to hurt in any way, you end up just doing that.

Because now, it’s not about you.

It’s also about the other person.

If that person feels hurt by what you have done, you have inflicted that hurt, even though you say you never meant it.  You can explain and justify yourself, but the fact is, someone’s feelings was hurt.

So what are you going to do about it?  Apologise?  Just let it be?  Promise not to let it happen again?  Well, that also depends on the type of person you are.

If you feel that your actions and words have hurt others, even though you did not mean them that way, you do something to make the other person feel less hurt.  You don’t keep silent and be upset that you were told off for hurting someone’s feelings.  What kind of friend is that?

Poeple don’t want their feelings to be hurt?  You think they intentionally want to have you hurt their feelings?  Fikirlah…

God gave us feelings and they come when He wants to give them to us.  But it’s up to us on how we want to react to those feelings.  Think about it…